Today I feel a strong sense of confusion and nervousness. Compulsive thoughts are exploding with negative messages. Great, the journey to the greatness is full of challenges. The story in my head is like, I don’t get the attention I need, and I shouldn’t be here, no one listen to me, I am no one. Damn!! What the heck are these all about?

Ok, when I am in fully awareness with my situation, I actually have nothing to complain about. I have made a commitment to be with the Work and I have all the time that is needed for me to do everything I have to do right now. Beside this most important journey, I also have places to go for dancing, yoga, and exercising when I need to. I have time to cook my own delicious and healthy food which I want it to. I am in the relationship that is so supportive for my practice since I can have all time and spaces. So knock, knock..stop complaining, won’t you?

I really like the preciseness of the voice in my practice today. It felt mature and honor. However, it can be a little bit more intimate. The consistent of my conscious Loving breath still needs a lot of work. I believe that I just have to remember it over and over and over again until it will automatically be a part of me. Plus the deeper listening will eventually come right along with my conscious loving breath. Even though I can’t see all the words I say yet, but I can feel some of the words very strongly since I focus hard to release the emotion into the words. I am happy with it, but I have to remind myself not to get carry on into the emotional of the words; I have to consciously connect to every step of the speech.

By listening to my practice today, I finally sensed first hand what it meant when Arthur shared with me one important insight. First I have to say that I agree with him that vocal awareness is about energy. And while we speak, the energy is carried through and that what people connect with. That is why we create the term “It isn’t what you say, it’s how you say it.” That is also why when people sing or listen to the music they move in a certain way. It is because of the energy behind it. Cool!! So, Arthur told me that if we are really conscious in the energy of the words we say, we can speak at the best potential that words will allow energy to channel out smoothly and powerful. Next to know that people will response intensively to it since the energy connects and moves energy. That is the coolest thing that I never hear from anyone before, and it feels fit right in. Oh oh oh!! I have work to do.

Today I had the first personal session wit Arthur. The experience was beyond words.
I used to believe that my spiritual practice is in a great place and it is progressing. But, Arthur just hit the nail in the head (my head).

He said it in a way to show me that my practice isn’t in the great place; it is in the comfortable place. It is in the comfortable path, and he wants me to get out from it. He challenged my egotistic. He showed me and told me that it is my turn to challenge my egotistic right now. No more hiding, no more comforting!!!! Danm!!! I was laughing so hard since he hit right to the point that I couldn’t deny.

He said that with my passionate level of commitment to the Work, he will not be easy on me. Hahahahah!! Oh God!! I am so happy. I can’t wait to see the future unveiling. It will involve variety of emotions (cry, laugh, confuse….etc), and freaky things.

Is it interesting to know that sometime what scare us the most is to know that our dreams can come through? It is very interesting to me and I can’t crop with the idea yet. I can feel something within, but it is way too deep for me to reach at this point!!!

The sky has been very interesting this morning. I saw gray cloud paraded along the sky very calmly. It was such a unique view. I am wondered where will be its destination…humm!!!

Speak about destination!!! My goal is to become a bigger person everyday, and to become truly happiness with whom I born to be. I am willing to stretch, to take massive action, and at the same time have great faith. Why is that important to me? It is my honor to show God that I respect and value the life that he has handed to me, and I also want my mom to be proud of her only daughter.

A very important message that I have learned from books which I have been reconsidering often is “Decide to be a millionaire… not for the green slips of paper, but for who you will have to BECOME to get there.” I used to have a negative thought toward rich people since I have seen so many unhealthy life lessons. Therefore, I promised myself that I would not be rich since money is such a strong negative force. Then, I realized that I focused directly to the green paper like most people do and that where all the problems are. However, I know better now and thanks so much to the person to share this wisdom. I will become a millionaire for the person that I will become to get there. Beautiful!!!!

My vocal awareness practice this morning was powerful even though it started off opposite. I sensed the procrastination was working its way to take over, but again I dragged my body carelessly with the noise in my head. I experienced a strong positive energy flow within while I spoke. I listened closely, and it has been an unbelievable feeling.

(Later in the day) OH!!!! I really need to go swimming!! My energy is going in the direction that I have to safe it before it takes over my owe body…..(Leaving).

I am back from the swimming and I had a great time. Somehow I was singing one part of the “True Love Kiss” song while I drove to the gym, swam, and took a shower. What a nice treat to my entire energy and body. Right now, I feel so fresh and vivid!!! Can’t ask for anything better!!

]]> http://aphinya.wordpress.com/2008/10/28/monday-october-27-2008/feed/ 0 attapinya http://aphinya.wordpress.com/2008/10/18/my-day-goes-on-oct-16%e2%80%9908/ http://aphinya.wordpress.com/2008/10/18/my-day-goes-on-oct-16%e2%80%9908/#comments Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:15:16 +0000 Aphinya Deley http://aphinya.wordpress.com/?p=117 ]]>

The vocal awareness group practice was divine yesterday. I was thrilled.

Anne and I have been doing this together for a while since we were back from Omega. However after the NY trip with Arthur, now Carol and Mary are joining the practice, and yesterday was the first time. It put the smile on my face when I felt the energy and dedication from all of us. Personally, I can’t wait for the next practice.

I went to the Dentist today and on the way back I looked up at the sky. Oh God, it was absolutely breathed taking; it was beautiful. The sky appeared in light gray and all the clouds had different shades of gray. Some big and some small and they were in different places in the sky. !!! It looked like giant huge beautiful wallpaper which placed behind all the trees on the side of the street that now all the leaves turn into red, orange and yellow color. I wished I had a camera at a time, but what I wished more was to know how to make that shot perfectly. I am not a professional photographer, and to have a camera and don’t know how to capture what I see in front of me, hummm!!! It requires greater techniquesJ. It seems like a time for me to have a new hobby!!!!

Last two days has been one of the challenges days that of course they came to test me. They challenged my fear which (of course at first) it worked since it triggered the old pattern; however, right away I replaced them with slow silent Loving (many) breath. I spent over over and over again to follow through it, until this particular compulsive thinking was just vanishing. It was quite a battle, but it was worth any minute.

I have to thanks my dear friend (Slow Silent Loving Breath) again.

I still can’t thank God enough for giving me the best gift yet, one I have been waiting patiently for. I will remember his particular life experience for as long as I’m alive, since it occupies a very special place in my heart.

I am home now, sitting in the living room, looking at the scenery outside, and having slow, silent loving breath. I am enjoying every breath. I am relishing this moment since it allows me to taste the sweetness of the memory that still shines bright within.

Before embarking on my trip, I had familiarized myself with the concepts taught by Arthur Joseph in the vocal awareness workshop at the Omega Institute. Despite my preliminary studies of Arthur’s work, the real experience was way beyond my expectations. Reading his book, listening to his CD or watching his DVD are all exercises that pale in comparison to sitting by his side at this workshop, experiencing his nourishing, calm, safe, sweet and powerful energy firsthand.

On the first day, class started with one important question from Arthur: “Why are we here?” I found my courage and shared tearfully that I want to heal my internal wound that I feel prevents me from being myself during conversation with others. Earlier in my life I was scarred by abusive judgments made by my ex-husband regarding my ability to speak English. He told me with great displeasure that his employees in China were doing much better at speaking English than I. I thought to myself, “my hard work isn’t worth anything really!” Throughout my life, I have my best daily effort at working to be a better person, but in the eyes of the person whom I trusted and loved the most, I was a failure.

That past judgment opened a very painful wound that has not since healed. Consequently, I have extremely low confidence when I am having a conversation with other human beings. While speaking, I become overly concerned about constructing the perfect sentence that will convey my thoughts clearly. I constantly think about verb tense, how to move my tongue properly, and how to put subject, object and verb together correctly. Since so much of my energy goes into that intense anxiety, the words never come out the way I want them to. The problem gets worse when somebody asks me to repeat what I just said. I know immediately that my English was not clear or correct; this quickly triggers my pain response and results in a debilitating mental retreat. I know that I don’t want to continue living everyday like this, I have to do something. I want to be myself, I want to be free, and finally the day has come.

After the first class, Arthur had a one-on-one conversation with me. He wanted to be sure that I felt safe with him, and indeed I did. His energy was so comfortable, welcoming and powerful; I could not help but feel the safety of home. Later I learned it was not just I who felt that way, but that everyone else in the class felt the same. Every one of us was touched by his unbelievably beautiful and wholesome energy. I was amazed to observe my classmates as they opened themselves up to Arthur one by one. Everyone of us shed our fears and worries. We were free to be our natural selves, which made this class as a heaven on earth.

Arthur has an amazing gift. He feels the emotional distress that comes from the voice that we create, and it does not depend on the words that we say. From what I observed at the workshop, Arthur works directly with the subconscious mind. First he helped us to let go of the negativity that we hold on to. Then he helped us to reclaim that wasted energy and enjoy the power of being ourselves. On top of that, Arthur has an enormous store of his own balanced energy which he can use to dislodge barriers to efficient being in others.

His enlightening lessons about how the voice can be used to guide our mind, body and spirit to work together are amazing. We all became speechless when we realized the implications of his teachings; it took many conscious breaths before we could put all the pieces together. Even now, it baffles my mind to realize that what I first believed to be comical exercises (pull out our tongue, put two figures underneath our tongue, make humorous voices) are actually very powerful tools to release our emotions and focus our energy outward. The more we make noise, the simpler it seems to connect to our inner self. And when that happens, it is glorious.

I felt free, happy, and joyous during every moment spent with Arthur and the others in the class. We all blossomed in that class, transforming our tensions and fears into strong but tender and sweet energy which was felt and shared by all. When I took the experience in with my sweet silent loving breath, I could not resist letting the happy tears flow. Soon thereafter, I had a sweet smile fixed on my face.

It wasn’t easy for any of us when it came time to say goodbye. I had to take many silent loving breathes and consciously remind myself to surrender to the reality that it could not last forever. I allowed myself a long, drawn out moment in order to capture the full significance of this beautiful memory and to save it deep within. Now, whenever I need it again, all I have to do is practice my slow, silent loving breath and let it envelop my entire body.

Thanks to Arthur….and I miss you, my beautiful classmates…

It has been an interesting journey for me since I moved to Buffalo, NY on March 1’ 08. I landed at the worst snow storm that they ever get yet this year. It was cold obviously. I saw snow pile up everywhere, and the road is the only space that has been kept as clear as possible. Very interesting!!!

I just don’t really know how to dress properly for this type of weather (yet). It seemed that I never get warm enough. And since I started to ware clothes so many layers (first time in my life) the hard part was to figure it out when I have to co-operate being inside and being outside. It was a very stressful period in the first 2-3 weeks since I have to adjust to the new space and I packed so light (I still don’t have a proper shoe for the weather yet)

Lucky me that it wasn’t that hard to find a gym for my exercise+ holice personality. It really had been very helpful to clamed and grounded me A LOT with my transition. However, the hard part is again, to dress properly. I used to wear tank top, and of course I wore tank-top to the gym with the jacket on. It was chill to wear only tank top in the building in the winter time in Buffalo, then, I put the coat on, the next thing I knew it was too hot and I had to take it off. OH my MOM!!!

Here is a story about a quick decision that turned into a gift too marvelous to imagine. I thank God for giving me this incredible experience. My story is about a quiet island called Ko Chang in Ranong, south Thailand. I knew nothing about it even though I grew up not far away.

My cousin, Tee, brought his girlfriend, Aoy, to the Ching Ming ceremony of my family. This ceremony is a Chinese tradition that shows respect for deceased ancestors. Tee had to drive Aoy back to Ranong the same day. The opportunity to visit Ko Chang sprang up from a conversation about how his girlfriend’s family owns the Sunset Bungalows on the island. He described the unspoilt beauty there that has not been destroyed by big investors yet. There are only a few small bungalows are on the island.
Activities that I typically enjoy on an island are running on the beach, swimming in the ocean, eating, reading my favorite books, and of course napping. Tee told me that there is no electricity at night, only candle light. Wow! It sounded so alluring and my desires were growing. When he asked me if I want to go, I said “yes” very quickly. However, as the time to depart approached, I was concerned about leaving my Mom since I had just arrived. She was so happy to have me visit and my goal for this trip home was to be with my Mom, so I was reluctant to actually leave. In the end though, I could not overcome my desire for this new adventure. I packed my bag quickly and left along with Tee and his girlfriend that evening.

Ko Chang Ranong

Ko Chang is a small, forested island about five kilometers off the mainland, which makes for a one and a half hour boat ride in a charming, low-key, laid-back atmosphere. The pace of life on Ko Chang is very slow, with emphasis strongly placed on kicking back and chilling out. I was attracted by the abundance of natural, undeveloped environment. The jungle is pristine, only a few small bungalows on the beach hint at a human presence. Tourists are rare here, in stark contrast to most other Thai island destinations. The solitude allows me to enjoy the environment fully, the sound of crashing waves, the songs from birds and insects, the whispering wind… paradise! My regular swimming and yoga practice have been transformed into an experience like never before, streaming through the ocean and moving in stillness on the beach.

This destination is suitable for anyone who loves to be isolated from all forms of busy lifestyle. Most of the hotels on Ko Chang Island are family owned and operate only six months per year, November through April, because of powerful tropical storms. You can chill out on the island for up to two months on a budget of $500 or less, which includes the bungalow plus food.

Today has been an awesome day already in terms of my inner practice. Yesterday and the day before (jan 9&10) were marked with tumultuous emotions and rapid reactions, mostly because Aphinya left on that monday night (jan 8). My mind became a dangerous twister and I could not step away from my emotions and reactions to those emotions. This unsteadiness distorted my perception, giving me only a dim view of life, full of sadness, doubt and discontent. I also had plenty of questions like, “why is my happiness so dependent on Aphinya’s love and what if she does not really love me?”, but no answers were forthcoming. Quite fortunately for me, my practice up to this point has begun to take root deep inside my mind. My past effort to enlighten myself is laying a powerful foundation. Although it felt so distant and foreign at the time of despair, I knew that I had choices in my thoughts and that somehow I could “think better”. I also remembered some basic truths such as, we always have choices, my happiness must come from within, and that I could measure my self-worth in terms of connections to my heart and my spiritual beauty rather than by physical or mental accomplishments.

Today started out in much the same way as those two days before. I have to thank God today too, because I was given a turning point. During the course of normal morning work, I began to explore a problem that has been affecting my coworkers. Very soon a solution became clear, making myself and the others happy. Soon afterward, I became aware that my own mood had shifted from that dreadful sadness into a much lighter happiness. Now this is where my practice helped me to identify the exact moment of change, the surrounding environment and my own thoughts at the time. By being aware of such a drastic change in my own perception, I gave myself the opportunity to choose the perception to use. Of course, I chose to stick with the happiness. In the past, the happiness always faded because I had never made a conscious choice to be with it… the unhappy sadness would come creeping back. By being open to the possibilities during a time of darkness, I was able to create a better place for myself.

To my great astonishment, I also had another somewhat subtle insight today. While finding a parking spot after my lunchtime yoga workout, I felt a judgmental thought pass through my mind concerning the action of another driver in the lot. Actually, what I felt was the slight drop in my happiness just an instant after that judgment was passed. My awareness was fast enough that I could follow the judgmental thought with another thought that I did not believe in the previous judgment. My happiness miraculously moved back up a notch, and I felt that judgmental thought became groundless. My mind’s eye saw the negative thought vanish without making an impact. What a wonderful experience!

I quickly realized that it would not take too many of such tiny but continuous negativities before any state of happiness I had entered would be completely wiped away. This is very important to me, so I decided to follow through with an analysis. With quick reflection into the whole event, I observed that we actually have a choice as to how we treat each individual thought that occurs in the mind. If we choose to be unaware of the thought itself (not the content of the thought), then that thought will be automatically accepted by the mind. It is essential to note here that the awareness must envelope the thought itself and be entirely unconcerned with the matter of the thought. Now, at the time of acceptance, we are adding that latest thought to a vast collection of thoughts that we believe. Each one of those collected thoughts can act like concrete once the mind believes them. This causes the mind steadily to become stiff, inflexible, unchanging, and yet it is moving very rapidly! The effect of such a rigidity in the mind is that a great momentum is built up because the mind is always moving very rapidly. Each additional belief increases the momentum, decreases the chance that the direction of the mind will change, and makes it a little bit more difficult to be aware of the next thought. It’s like riding a bicycle down a hill that is so steep, the bicycles brakes have no effect; you cannot stop or turn into a new course or even look at anything that is not immediately in front of you! However, when we examine our thoughts before we accept them, we gain the ability to believe or disbelieve those thoughts.

I was able to make a choice about my particular judgment based on the way that it impacted on my happiness in the moment; it had nothing to do with whether the content of the thought was good or bad, valuable or detrimental. How incredible!!! Oh, this vision is absolutely beautiful! Many thanks to everyone and everything out there that has supported and nourished my practice, that I could come to this amazing place in my own mind!

At this time of the year, we may feel obligated to send cards and buy gifts no matter how much stress is endured. A sense of obligation in doing something rarely leaves room to appreciate that which is done. In a work environment or under contractual agreements, obligation might be unavoidable. However, I have never heard of anyone who wants to turn their holidays or celebrations into a work-like environment. In our hearts we know that our holiday celebrations are meant to bring out the joy within or move us in any meaningful way. So let us be mindful to not turn the holiday season into the holiday obligation.

As we walk through the holiday season, let us choose to commit ourselves, as fully and sincerely as we can, so as to truly share joy and love with others. Whether our gift is a compliment, a smile, homemade cookies or friendship, we can be content that we are doing enough. At any gathering we each bring our own unique beauty to the group; by sharing in the love and fun at such an occasion, we give a beautiful gift that is more meaningful than any physical object.

When we live each moment to the best of our ability, then every second becomes a gift shared with the universe. Our positive choices have a ripple effect, touching those near and far, friends and strangers. In that way, sharing the light of our beautiful and unique presence becomes the best present we could possibly give, to ourselves and everyone else.

I believe the most precious gift that we can offer is our own happy and peaceful presence.